YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER heard of 'Til There Was You, and if you have, you probably know it as a sort of Sleepless in Seattle ripoff about magnetism between soulmates. Blame the marketing departments of Hollywood for that. Neither the studio nor the audiences of 1997 quite knew what they had on their hands.

'Til There Was You is indeed about two people destined for love who don't meet until the end of the film, but unlike its predecessor, its aim is to deconstruct Hollywood romanticism rather than embody it. It is about two young people who, should they have met at the beginning of the film, wouldn't have been right for each other; it is about the process of growing into love.

Falling into love is more typical of Hollywood stories; the notion of "love at first sight" is reinforced countless times by the simple fact that audiences know who will end up together (even before the characters on screen know it) based on who the stars of the film are. This might feed the idea that we're expected to be bowled over the first time we encounter our future spouse, leaving little room for love to grow naturally or unexpectedly.

What's more, nearly every romance makes the assumption that falling in love will somehow improve your personality and solve your problems. Gawky girls lose their glasses and begin looking more like models; ulcer-bound businessmen learn to slow down their lives; people grow happier, funnier, wiser, and more confident as soon as that special someone enters their lives. The idea is that love begets instant emotional growth, but in 'Til There Was You we find that the long process of growing serves as a precursor for selfless love.

The stereotypes of Hollywood love haunt Gwen Moss (Jeanne Tripplehorn) and Nick Dawkan (Dylan McDermott) from childhood. During the opening credits, the two are shown growing up in their respective households -- Gwen's is a Donna Reed heaven, while Nick's is emotionally abusive -- while watching the same TV show, the chipper One Big Happy Family, learning an idealistic version of love. By the time they're grown, Gwen's idyllic life has led her to expect her shining knight in armor, and Nick's oppressive one has him hoping for a beauty to charm away his hardened exterior.

As adults, Gwen is a shy ghost writer and Nick is a budding architect, and their paths begin to swirl near each other as Gwen is hired to write the "autobiography" of Francesca Lanfield (Sarah Jessica Parker), the former child star of One Big Happy Family, and Nick is hired to build a superstructure on some of her property. The three become further entangled as Gwen moves into the apartment complex that is supposed to be torn down for the new project, and Nick starts dating Francesca.

Gwen and Nick just miss seeing each other a dozen times as their lives begin to cross, and each time elicts a sigh of relief because we know the characters aren't yet right for each other. They're still too selfish, too caught in their own world, and they haven't begun looking outside themselves to know what it means to love a neighbor as themselves.

The apartment building that Gwen is trying to save and Nick is trying to tear down embodies the idea of community in their lives. Gwen, who always wanted her perfect castle in the air, collides with the reality of neighbors in need around her. Nick, who has yet to learn to call a place home and invest in his surroundings, begins to discover the beauty and rootedness of the old apartments. It is not finding each other that changes them, but the change in them that lets them find each other.

'Til There Was You acknowledges that these types of changes don't happen with sheer will, but take place over time, with help from strong, supportive friends. Their meeting at the end is not meant to rob us of what happens after, but is designed to let us dwell in their process of becoming. It involves failing, learning, stretching, hoping. By the time the two meet, they no longer are looking for someone else to fill a role in their own lives -- they are seeking to fill a role in another's, to give of themselves. This perspective on love exhibits a beauty and a maturity I rarely find at the movies. It should be treasured.